If you flick to the right page on your desktop calendar you’ll see it’s actually September, not March. The good news is any Easter eggs you see will be really cheap. The bad news is the stores will have already put up their Christmas decorations.
It also means it’s spring, unless you had an incredible buck’s night and woke up on the other side of the world.
There’s something special about spring, isn’t there? Everything seems to come alive, and there’s something in the air—anticipation, hope, even love.
Unfortunately for many of you that ‘something’ in the air is pollen, and so you’ll spend the entire month blowing your nose. And even if you do own shares in Kleenex it’s still a bummer—especially if you’ve only just shaken off that winter cold.
And on behalf of everyone who uses public transport or sits in an office all day, please blow your nose. Don’t just sit constantly sniffing until someone beats you to death with a WyteBord marker. Thank you.)
So what can you do? Well, you could propose to your partner, get your rich friend to throw a buck’s party and hope he throws you on a plane when you pass out. Or you could try eliminating as much of the pollen as you can.
Pollen comes from plants, which makes you wonder if vegetarians are such bad people after all. (“No, I’m not an animal lover, really. I just hate plants.”) It travels through the air and into your nose, where it quickly turns on all the taps and makes you sneeze every five minutes.
As you can imagine, finding love at this point would be a miracle.
Getting rid of the air is not only difficult (there’s an awful lot of it), but also has nasty side-effects, such as death. So it’s time to fire up your gardening tool of choice—hedge trimmer, whipper snipper, bazooka, etc.—and clear away any plants that look suspicious.
It won’t be an easy fight. Some plants can be incredibly resilient. But with the right attitude (and the optional flamethrower attachment), you’ll eventually have a yard devoid of any living thing. (Including your partner, who’s suddenly decided to stay with their parents for a few months.)
But don’t worry. Brizzy Rubbish Removals can help. No, they won’t try to convince the parents you haven’t gone crazy. (They’re not miracle workers.) But they can quickly come around and get rid of the “evidence” for you, leaving you to celebrate/commiserate with a few… dozen cleansing ales.
Just make sure you have your passport on you before you pass out. You may get lucky.